“I don’t want you to be perfect. I just want you to be mine.”

This weekend R and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We’ve had a very eventful year together. Because of this, I spent a lot of time reflecting on how much our relationship has grown over the past year. I met his mother before I met him on September 1, 2010 when we moved into the same house one floor apart. I wondered, “Who the hell is this bitch and who is this boy she’s obsessing over?” I had no idea what to expect, and a year later, he is my everything and my best friend. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew I had to make him mine. This weekend he told me that he thinks our anniversary will always be September 1st, and he’s right, because from then on I think both of us were completely done in.

Before I met him I was getting over a terrible breakup. I was a mess and had spent most of my summer crying myself to sleep over a boy who stayed with me for almost a year and then decided to throw it away and forget that I even existed. When I think back on that relationship, it makes me cringe. We had some good times, but even those don’t overshadow the bad ones. I thought I was in love, and after a year of being in a serious, mature and committed relationship, I realize I was very wrong and what I thought was love was really only infatuation.

A month after my breakup I met R. I was still clearly getting over my ex and I put the poor boy through a lot because I was so hesitant to commit, so I kept going back and forth. He stayed right by my side and when I decided that I was finally ready to be in a serious relationship again, he made it so unbelievably easy for me to fall in love for real.

I’ve never dated a guy like him before. He tells me he was the smart kid in high school, the over-achiever that a lot of people hated, so he spent a lot of time alone. I imagine him being somewhat unpopular. He’s the kind of guy who’s good at everything… sports, school, life in general. He’s responsible and logical and unique. I used to be attracted to the complete opposite. I dated “bad boys” and class clowns. I was a social butterfly and couldn’t care less about academics. I went to school to socialize. I am an emotional mess and I make careless and irresponsible mistakes. I also have a number of mental disorders and some pretty extreme emotional baggage. This weekend, his cousin told me that I’m his first girlfriend. R tells me otherwise, but to be honest, I believe the former. It just amazes me that someone with his background could be such a perfect fit for a serial dating, reckless, jaded girl like myself. But he’s been amazing. He’s like my rock. He keeps me grounded and tells me when i’m being ridiculous. We take care of each other.

This year I learned that love is not what I thought it was. Don’t get me wrong, I still get butterflies just by thinking about him. But when I think about how I know i’m in love with him, it feels more like a subtle, calm feeling of comfort. He feels like home. I can’t imagine my life without him and I hope we stay together for a long time.

All’s well that ends well

Last night was awesome. I found my new psychiatrist and I love her. She is fabulous. She also diagnosed me with both Borderline AND Bipolar AND ADD. Which is not what I wanted, but I trust her judgment. She had very clear reasoning for each one and it totally relates to me. So she put me on Lamictal right away. Starting tomorrow for the first time in two years. Obviously she said something about the rash but it made me laugh because she goes, “If you see that rash, you RUN to the emergency room, do you hear me? Do not walk, RUN.” Since i’ve taken it before, i’m not so worried about the rash. She also asked if she could use my term “high maintenance medications” with her own patients. Of course I said yes :) So anyway, a few weeks of Lamictal and some Adderal and I should be back to superstar status. I am SO excited.

I am so tired today. The weather is disgusting and it’s rainy and sad outside. I woke up this morning from a dead sleep right in the middle of a dream I had where my stepbrother was crying of shame because he had a threesome with two girls who in the end wanted nothing to do with him. Very strange dream it was. Anyway, I wish I wasn’t so tired because I have all kinds of cleaning and unpacking and laundry to start tonight to prepare for my boyfriend’s visit. I’m so excited to see him. AND Grey’s/Private Practice are on tonight, so I need to stay productive and not get distracted by primetime TV. Thank god for TiVo.